Gender is Easy

 One of my favorite lines is, “Gender is easy.”  And yet, a group of confused males have adapted a style of dress and actions that are so deviant from the male norm that they have been christened with their own name, the metrosexual. 

In response, we have scientifically engineered a brief questionnaire.  This concise, self-examination will help one assign a “male index.”  You begin with 10 points.

1) You spend more than 5 minutes doing your hair.  (-2)

2) You spend less than 1 minute on you hair.  (+1)

3) You have a beard. (+1)

4) You pluck your back hair.  (+1)

5) You shave your chest hair. (-3)

6) You cut your own hair.  (+2)

7) You wear more than 2 rings.  (-3)

8)You wear hoop earrings.  (-3)

9) You’re proud of your farmer’s tan. (+1)

10) You cannot tie a tie. (-2)

11) You have an ugly T-shirt with pit stains. (+2)

12) You have an ugly T-shirt with pit stains that you wife is begging you to throw away and you refuse.  (+3)

13) You own a jock strap. (+1)

14) You change your own car’s oil (+3)

15) You cannot drive a manual transmission. (-2)

16) You have given pictures of yourself to other guys as gifts. (-6)

17) You don’t have a problem reading tabloid magazines in public. (-2)

18) Your primary vehicle is a mini-van.  (-1)

19) You have a purebred and proud of it.  (+1)

20) You have a mutt and are proud of it.  (+3)

21) You know the difference between a doll and an “action figure.”  (+2)

22) You, your wife, and your mom make decisions together. (-3)

23) You’ve had athlete’s foot, jock itch, or some other fungus problem. (+2)

24) You still have athlete’s foot, jock itch, or some other fungus problem.  (-1)

25) You plug the toilet about once a month. (+1)

26) Cold pizza for breakfast is no problem.  (+2)

27) You are a vegetarian. (-2) 

28) You’re a veteran of some armed conflict.  (+4)

29) You farm or ranch for a living.  (+5)

30) You enjoy a game of chess anytime. (+2)

31) You enjoy a game of bunco anytime.  (-3)

32) You don’t know what bunco is.  (+2)

33) You work out on free weights. (+2)

34) You clean up your own messes and expect hanky-panky. (+0)

35) You do a few extra chores and expect hanky-panky.  (+1)

36) You reach for candles and soft music and expect hanky-panky.  (+2)

37) You pass a group of ladies and you know they are dicussing you.  (+2)

38) You pass a group of ladies and you think they are discussing your shirt. (-1)

39) You cross you legs when you sit. (-1)

40) You cannot leave the house without cologne.  (-1)

 Less than 20 = You are obviously a woman and took the test just to mess around.  Find the nearest guy and tell him you appreciate the difference.  

30 to 40= We didn’t want to be the ones to tell you this but…your neighbor is confused and he/she is talking about you.  Hold a girl’s hand and walk by his/her picture window sometime.

40 to 50= You are safely in range.  Although we don’t recommend it, go ahead and wear that pink polo shirt your wife or girlfriend bought for you.

50 or More = You could converse in the locker room with a towel draped over your head instead of around your waist.  That’s masculinity!

Author: Phantaveous Ghast

I'd rather teach giant roaches to do circus tricks on a street corner in Haiti than wear a pair of skinny jeans.

80 thoughts on “Gender is Easy”

  1. This is absolutely the funniest thing I have read in a long time! Bravo! I am printing this one for Ben, he will definately appreciate it!

  2. I object to the inference of #39. As one gets older he gets stiffer…what from all the manly stuff…so the flexibility to do the proper ankle support technique becomes virtually impossible…

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