I wasted most of my time in college but every once in a while I would sit down and write something I thought was funny. The following tutorial for the New Age wannabe was written after getting a little high on high fructose corn syrup. (dangerous stuff) It is printed the same way I wrote it almost fifteen years ago. It’s a bit clumsy but worth a read.
Hello fellow wanderer of the stars! You are about to learn about the great, swell, cool, groovy, or whatever ( it is all relative, right?) world of the New Age follower, disciple, student…
The first thing you have to learn is how to sit like a New Ager. We believe that the entire world is in pain, thus we sit as if in pain, agony, torture… find a really HARD place to sit (when you get good enough a real treat awaits you. Spikes and Hot coals!) Drag the top of your right foot on your thigh. When you hear something snap, you’re there. Put you other foot on your thigh as well. You should now be in searing pain. Keep up the good work , toil, labor…
Now you must clear your mind so it can be filled with our New and Improved, All-Purpose, Twenty-hour Hour formula! (Never mind the being that brings you this. He is just the delivery guy, spirit, daemon…) To help you clear your brain we suggest our book titled, Nothing much really and Not a Whole Lot. This book, which has won our highest award, is PACKED FULL with blank pages. Comes in twelve languages.
After achieving this state you need to let all those around you know that you have arrived at total brain death. Start humming; something by Bach will do. Try it, HMMMMMMM. Wow isn’t’ New Age fun?
To keep New Age fun we also enjoy the company of large, innate objects. Go outside, find a tree, and begin a conversation. Here is a typical first conversation…
Young New Ager: Hello Mr. Tree. I am a New Ager. How is it going?
The Tree should respond:
Young New Ager: I love all things, except athlete’s foot. I even love you Mr. Tree
The tress should respond:
Young New Ager: Can I hug you?
The tree should die
Very Good! God is everything! Next try a large rock.
Young New Ager: Hello Mr. Rock
The rock should reply
Young New Ager: Can I interest you in AAARRRGGG
The rock should roll over on New Ager
Another fun aspect of the New Age is getting energy from touching crystals. (Why did we pick crystals? Good Question. I would guess it is because they look swell, thus mentally challenged people will actually believe that the crystal holds some special power. It really doesn’t matter where you get your vibrations. I personally use pork sausage. Your first session may go something like this…
Young New Ager: Here we go again. (sigh) Hello Mr. Crystal.
Young New Ager: That is funny you did not say anything. (Look of disbelief)
Young New Ager:Ok, go ahead send vibes.
Young New Ager: I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM STITTING HERE TALKING TO A ROCK! WHAT KIND OF STUPID, WISHY WASHY BELIEF SYSTEM IS THIS ANYWAY?
Next we need to get in touch with our TRUE selves. This is the easy part. Stand in front of a mirror. (Nude if you want to REALLY face the facts). What you are looking at is your fake self. Stretch you hand out, bend the your elbow, and scratch the nearest ear to your hand. That is your true ear. Tour true ear is usually connected to your true body.
I hop this helps the young New Ager. Doing this tutorial has helped solidify my realization that our beliefs are simply common scene.