Setting Your Drama

Hello!  Welcome to the exciting and creative field of Program Television Executive!  Being a Television Executive is a fun and rewarding way to boost your ego as well as your earnings potential!  With this informative manual you will be equipped to produce and properly schedule network television at any of the six hundred and fifty-two stations currently looking to overpay for this type of expertise.

Chapter One – The Art of the Drama
Part One – Theme or Setting

We will begin with the proper setting for a drama.  Like a good pair of undergarments, intelligent executives always wash, press, and re-wear the same themes. 

1) Lawyer shows-
Pluses: Actors wear lots of suits and carry briefcases filled with Styrofoam peanuts or Mad magazines.  Episodes can cover the same thrilling themes that most lawyers deal with: divorce, bankruptcy, and billing by the minute.

Pitfalls:  Actors must often give long monologues that will require intensifying background music to keep the audience awake.  Everyone must keep a straight face when actor screams, “I object!” and frightens the drowsy cameraman.

2) Police shows-
 Pluses:  Actors (both male and female) can grow stubble ergo appearing macho and commanding.  Wonderful lines like, “I’m going to feed you your teeth.” and, “I don’t need a warrant!” give viewers the outlet for their own righteous furry.

 Pitfalls: Guns are not real. 

3) Doctor shows-
 Pluses:  Lines like, “Your husband needs this surgery but there is only a twenty percent chance it will save his life!  However, there is a one hundred percent chance you will be charged fifteen thousand dollars.” can be shortened to the more tension inducing, “Your husband has a twenty percent chance of living.”

 Pitfalls:  Monitors being used by actors to watch football.  Actor cuts his finger on a prop scalpel then faints.  Cost of fake blood expected to double with additional medical drama shows.

4) Teen shows-
 Pluses:  Younger viewers are naive enough to believe their show is doing something new and they can’t miss an episode.  Can create a school without ugly people crowding the hallways.  Can create malls without ugly people crowding the stores.  Can create a world with no pimples.   

 Pitfalls:  Key actors age and are suddenly less believing when confronted with tragic news Jenna needs her tonsils taken out the night before the prom.  Actor gets drunk at a Hollywood party and shows up for beach scene with a tattoo and a sex tape on the Internet.  

5) Wealthy Family (oil money or baby oil money) shows-
 Pluses:  Characters have lots of money that allows scriptwriters to ignore clumsy issues like going to work.  Allows for “bratty” characters that viewers love to hate.  Fictional wealth helps ease the blatant plastic surgery many of the actresses have had performed.

  Pitfalls: Hard to hide the fact this is just a polished soap opera. 

Other lesser used themes include a rough school setting, the tug-of-war political relm, and the knotted existance of a computer programmer.

Author: Phantaveous Ghast

I'd rather teach giant roaches to do circus tricks on a street corner in Haiti than wear a pair of skinny jeans.

147 thoughts on “Setting Your Drama”

  1. Don’t forget about the alternate form of the drama, a.k.a “reality” TV, where actors, ahem, I mean average people, are cajoled by the producers to do controversial things for an extra fee. I once caught a tidbit of some dating show where some guy brought two or three girls home for his parents to meet. Later that night, a fax (yes, a fax! everyone has a fax machine in their house!) arrives in the parents’ house that says to turn the TV on to a certain channel. Lo and behold, they see live footage of their son in the backyard playing “truth or dare” with the three girls in the hot tub. Later on the show, the son admitted (and amazingly, the network still aired the footage) that he was paid extra money by the producers to do the “truth or dare” bit.

    True reality TV would be too dismal to draw an audience. A show that featured a person on the couch wrapped head to toe in a blanket covered with cat hair just doesn’t draw in the necessary viewership to sustain the profit levels required on Wall Street.

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