Hello! Welcome to the exciting and creative field of Program Television Executive! Being a Television Executive is a fun and rewarding way to boost your ego as well as your earnings potential! With this informative manual you will be equipped to produce and properly schedule network television at any of the six hundred and fifty-two stations currently looking to overpay for this type of expertise.
Chapter One – The Art of the Drama
Part One – Theme or Setting
We will begin with the proper setting for a drama. Like a good pair of undergarments, intelligent executives always wash, press, and re-wear the same themes.
1) Lawyer shows-
Pluses: Actors wear lots of suits and carry briefcases filled with Styrofoam peanuts or Mad magazines. Episodes can cover the same thrilling themes that most lawyers deal with: divorce, bankruptcy, and billing by the minute.
Pitfalls: Actors must often give long monologues that will require intensifying background music to keep the audience awake. Everyone must keep a straight face when actor screams, “I object!” and frightens the drowsy cameraman.
2) Police shows-
Pluses: Actors (both male and female) can grow stubble ergo appearing macho and commanding. Wonderful lines like, “I’m going to feed you your teeth.” and, “I don’t need a warrant!” give viewers the outlet for their own righteous furry.
Pitfalls: Guns are not real.
3) Doctor shows-
Pluses: Lines like, “Your husband needs this surgery but there is only a twenty percent chance it will save his life! However, there is a one hundred percent chance you will be charged fifteen thousand dollars.” can be shortened to the more tension inducing, “Your husband has a twenty percent chance of living.”
Pitfalls: Monitors being used by actors to watch football. Actor cuts his finger on a prop scalpel then faints. Cost of fake blood expected to double with additional medical drama shows.
4) Teen shows-
Pluses: Younger viewers are naive enough to believe their show is doing something new and they can’t miss an episode. Can create a school without ugly people crowding the hallways. Can create malls without ugly people crowding the stores. Can create a world with no pimples.
Pitfalls: Key actors age and are suddenly less believing when confronted with tragic news Jenna needs her tonsils taken out the night before the prom. Actor gets drunk at a Hollywood party and shows up for beach scene with a tattoo and a sex tape on the Internet.
5) Wealthy Family (oil money or baby oil money) shows-
Pluses: Characters have lots of money that allows scriptwriters to ignore clumsy issues like going to work. Allows for “bratty” characters that viewers love to hate. Fictional wealth helps ease the blatant plastic surgery many of the actresses have had performed.
Pitfalls: Hard to hide the fact this is just a polished soap opera.
Other lesser used themes include a rough school setting, the tug-of-war political relm, and the knotted existance of a computer programmer.