Before anyone gets too excited about resolutions for 2009, let’s take a quick glance at the performance of our 2008 goals. We all know the life expectancy of most resolutions falls into two categories; Already Broken and Will Be Broken. After all, self-control has never been a part of the human make-up.
Here’s a few selections from my 2008 list…
#23 – Get Younger
Result: Nope. Age isn’t how you feel or your attitude, it’s the date on your birth certificate. In fact, saying age is all about attitude bends the definition irrevocably. It’s a little like saying being clothed is all about your attitude. No it isn’t! If you’re naked, you’re naked. If you’re sixty-two, then you’re sixty-two.
#42 – Eat More Vegetables
Result: Sorta. On January 4th, I changed the resolution to Eat More Salsa. Let the record show that I did indeed have a record year with my salsa and chips.
#44 – Smuggle Five Bags of Dorritoes Into A Movie Theater
Result: Success! I pulled this off on May 30th. Two on the sides of my thighs (thank you sweat pants), two around my mid section (thank you sweat shirt, hands in front pouch pulling out a bit), and one going sideways along my chest.
#49 – Start A Collection of Uber-Cool Drug Company Pens
Result: Small success. Let’s face it; drug company pens are the coolest. I found several in my desk drawer and in the desk drawers of people I visited throughout the year. (It’s not stealing if it’s a pen or spare roll of toilet paper. Everyone knows this.) Anyway, I ran into difficulty when I found out my health insurance doesn’t cover pens, fingers, or even my entire right arm.
#61 – Find Out What Happened to Polka-Dot Clothing
Result: Failure. Can’t find them. Couldn’t find too many silk shirts either. Look folks, I know they’re somewhere!
#65- Help Chickens Restore Their Pride
Result: Dismal failure! Other birds can fly, hunt, and swim yet the world’s most domesticated bird can do none of these things and don’t think they don’t know this! During 2008, I gave several chickens the opportunity to spread their wings and reclaim the air. I tried letting them swim and even hunt large rats. Now I’m out of chickens.
#95- Wear a tight Speedo style swimsuit in public.
Result: Raging Success. I wore it under my regular trunks. I still captured the ladies attention and avoided the guys.
#96 – Play Tic-Tac-Toe With a Tattoo Artist…On My Arm.
Result: Well, my new tattoo is a convenient conversation starter. I just wish I’d won.
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