Selected Excerpts from the New Pixie Review, October 30, 2009 – Issue 4, Volume 45, Spellbook #12
TOOTH FAIRY AGENT ARRESTED
Dateline- Wonderland, California- Tooth Fairy Inc. employee Alfred E. Twinkletoes was arrested Thursday on suspicion of he defrauded his company. The allegations include a scheme to buy fake teeth from a local human girl. Mr. Twinkletoes purchased the false teeth from under the girls’ pillow each night and paid top coin for each false tooth. The human girl then split the cash with Mr. Twinkletoes.
If convicted, Mr. Twinkletoes will have his wings pulled. There is very little the Magic Kingdom Police Department can do to the human accomplice, however, her name has been moved to Santa’s Naughty List.
TOOTH EMANAL PRICES SPIKE AS DUST PRODUCTION SLOWS
Dateline- Spitsburg, California – With the increased consumption of candy among human children and the subsequent increase in cavity ridden teeth, the harvest of grade A tooth enamel has been drastically hit. There seems to be no end in sight.
Compounding the jump in commodities prices is the stubborn constriction of pixie dust production. Magic dust is produced from all pixies in the same way dandruff is given off by humans. Since the advent of harsh, drying soaps in the 1950s, there have been no significant breakthroughs in increasing the “dandruff” of pixies and fairies. Researchers now struggle to find a way to make our scalps more itchy and flaky. Yet these same researchers worry that anything more abrasive in the shampoos that 97% of pixies already use would cause baldness.
Yipkin Ringnut, an associate at the DustGiven Research Institute, says, “Look, being bald is only cute if you’re a baby. Bald pixies and fairies confuse our customers.”
LOCAL GRADUATE STUDENT TRIES GROWING POTATOES IN HUMAN EARS
Dateline – Dumbknuckle, California – A graduate student at the California Institute of Mythology was sitting around the dorm one day when he was struck with a near genius idea.
Eugene Opium is the student. “Yea, so a few of my pals and I are, you know, just sitting around scratching up some pixie dust when it hits me. Let’s plant some potatoes. I don’t know…I just felt like potatoes but there wasn’t anyplace to plant them. Then it came to me…human earwax might work!”
Indeed it did. Production of pixie potatoes seems to skyrocket when planted in the terrible tasting muck that collects in the human ear. Many tooth fairy agents find it convenient to pick or plant these potatoes while working their normal rounds.
While the health effects of eating human grown potatoes are unclear, pixie farmers have had great success growing “ears” of corn in the brown wax. Also of note, the sedimentary humans known as “couch potatoes” seem especially adept as a growth zone.