Finding a Good Woman

Dear Doctor Pokorny,

 I’m dating this girl right now and I really like her but something has been bothering me lately.  I’m worried about how she might look when we get old – like mid-thirties.  Geesh, I like pretty women just like the next guy and I really don’t want the one I hitch my wagon to become…less pretty

 I guess my question is…how do you know she’ll be pretty even after we reach middle age, you know, late twenties?  She doesn’t have to look like she’s eighteen forever as long as she looks at least ten years younger that she actually is.  Yea, I could live with that.

      Your fan,
      Homer Humdinger

 As we age some things begin to lose their sweetness.  I’ll use sleep as an example.  When my son was four years old, I would go up and check on him at night before going to bed myself.  If he was uncovered, had limbs hanging off the bed, or was awkwardly placed I’d reposition him.  Most of the time I was gentle.  On other occasions, I’d pick him up and spin him in mid air like an unbaked pizza crust!  He would land on the bed and never come to – I’m not kidding. 

 Now imagine what you would feel like if you woke up after sleeping like that!  The quality of a person’s sleep erodes over time until your like me – up every hour with a prostate that forces you to pee constantly.  Barking dogs three blocks away can wake me up!  Now nothing short of a medically induced coma can make me sleep like my son did.

 So how does this answer your question? 

 Love making will unfortunately mean less to you as you age.  Eventually you come to value your lover for the friendship you share.  You find meaning in your relationship through common experiences and a rich reservoir of memories.  You’ll walk through the park on a cool but sunny autumn day looking at each leaf as a day you have spent together – innumerable and each one beautiful.

 In other words, you’ll become a woman.

 Since you’re still a man, here are a few tips on selecting a female that’s going to look good for the long haul.

 #1 – Don’t underestimate the value of a little self-consciousness.  You don’t want anyone too obsessive here but if she comes home one day with clothing that is sized a little bigger than you’d like innocently ask, “So, who are the maternity clothes for? (pause)  Is your mom expecting?!”

 #2 –   Tell her you’re going on a health food kick and that you’re giving up fast food completely.  (You don’t have to – just don’t let her see you with any.)  If she doesn’t offer to give it up too, you’re in trouble.

 #3 – Ask her to do a little grocery shopping with you.  Tell her you need help finding things.  Give her this list for the grocery store:  bananas, celery, zucchini, cottage cheese, and tuna.  If she pushes the cart straight to the Doritoes or Oreos then says, “What were you looking for again?”  Run.

  #4 – Examine Mom.  Babies turn the woman’s body into a construction site.  What happens after the buildings complete?  For too many women, the extra materials go into her landfill / hindquarters.

 #5 – Have you seen her without make-up and her hair wet?  If not, you may be in for a surprise.  End your next date by hitting her in the face with a five gallon bucket of water.  This might set your relationship back a bit, but you’ll sleep better.

       Dr. Pokorny  

Author: Phantaveous Ghast

I'd rather teach giant roaches to do circus tricks on a street corner in Haiti than wear a pair of skinny jeans.

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