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Today’s fascinating career….Substitute Middle School Teacher.
Want to make a difference in the number of children you’ll have? Strap yourself into that beat-up, swivel chair and hold on to that messy desk because you’re about to trade the mini-van back in! Let’s hear from one potential leader in the substitute field…Marcus Rankfold.
“Dear Career Avalanche,
I’m a risk taker. I always rise to the challenge – no matter whether I need to back out of it or not! The military seemed nice until I found out the guns were real. REAL BULLETS, ARE YOU SERIOUS!? Then I thought about being a police officer but criminals can weigh over 180 lbs.! Look…a lot of things don’t scare me, so I want a job with challenge!”
Pursuing a pint-sized challenge? Well, welcome to middle school substitution Marcus! Every hour a bell will ring initiating your next opportunity for a demeaning exchange with children who don’t respect you. You can huff and puff but these little piggies know that’s all you’re allowed to do!
Just wait until you’re asked questions about the capitals in South America or the directions to some project you know nothing about. They’ll have you feeling stupid in no time. Don’t cave in! Just reach for the teacher’s edition and pass it around the room. Now you’re looking smart!
Here are some further tips for dealing with the uncivilized…
Tip #1 – Threatening to “take their name” may not be the best method. This tactic admits to the students that you indeed have no real power to correct them and that you are deferring to a teacher who is not there. (“PLEASE NO! Mr. Rankfold! My mother won’t know who I am if you take my name! Oh, mercy!”)
Tip #2- Find inflatable muscles and an oversized shirt. Wear them.
Tip #3- The answer to 99% of questions is always…No. Stress that whining only adds extra Os. (“I said, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”)
Tip #4 – Before the school day, make an arrangement with the assistant principal to send one kid to the office at the beginning of each class. It doesn’t matter what the offence is. (“Gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe!? GUM ISN’T ALLOWED! Go to the office!”)
Job: Middle School Substitute Teacher
Average Salary: School districts vary – scour the teachers desk for change or resale items.
Required Education: Graduate from any middle school.
Required Certifications & Licenses: Anger Management / Pigmy Linguistics
Average Length of Career: Well as long as people keep breeding…