Learning Graffiti

 From driving down big city streets in a purple Impala, trunk full of spray paint, to etching your  identity into a simple school desk, graffiti has always been a key part of our great American culture.  For the graffiti enthusiast, wherever the common man’s eye is allowed its sight should be filled with the art that springs forth freely from the miscreant heart.  Each display of graffiti is a wildflower in bloom amidst the wash of urban drab. 

 If coddling your inner artist and simultaneously breaking laws appeals to you, then we would like to welcome you to the world of graffiti!  There’s no need to study the Old World masters when we prefer keeping it “old school.”  We’ve been working for years to push the archaic term graffiti into the twenty-first century with updated terms such as, “spontaneous art” or “unleashed expression.”  You feel me?

 So grab a few cans of non-earth tones spray paint and prepare for life where you proudly proclaim to all your fellow citizens that “YoU wAs HEre!”

 Tips for better graffiti~~

 ~~Excessive shaking of spray paint can make enough noise to alert narrow-minded neighbors who will then contact equally short sighted policemen.  For better coverage and less attention be sure to always pre-shake your paint.

 ~~You might be inclined to fat, jumbled letters that slump the same way you do…sure go ahead but that’s armature hour.  Real spontaneous art involves gang symbols.

 ~~Dating your work isn’t necessary but putting your address allows fan mail.

 ~~Place your art in places where there are many common passers.  Anything viable from the Interstate is a good bet.  Some of our more creative artists use green and white paint to amend the signs and subtlety change their messages.  This is great fun but make sure you have your copy of the Profane Thesaurus with you. 
 
 ~~If arrested, tell the police officers that your mother said it was OK.  This worked once.  Offer to decorate their squad car.

 ~~Understand that your work will probably be quickly covered by city employees.  One way to delay this is to create spontaneous art that glorifies city workers: garbage men flashing gang signs is a good place to start.

 ~~Your love interest will always appreciate having their first name proudly emblazoned under overpasses and bridges for the pigeons and homeless to admire.  Make her birthday or Valentine’s Day special with a hastily worded act of vandalism. 

 Never forget the enrichment to our cultural fabric that is spontaneous art.  It’s not just a hobby!  Many of those who participate in this art form go on to run successful tattoo parlors.  Add color to your life!  Just make sure you don’t do it in my neighborhood.

A Hot Warning

Attn: Braylee Ashington
From: Hotty Oversight Enterprise or HOE
Re:  Illegal Flirtation

 Miss Ashington,

 It has come to HOE’s attention that on the morning of December 11th, 2009 you were seen in what can only be called a “flirtatious verbal exchange” with a Jacob Kringly.  Mr. Kringly is a known gamer and is thusly not conversation material.  Flirting with a gamer is a Level-Three Hotness Violation.  During your Hotness Orientation we made it clear that gamers were NOT to be dated.  In addition we feel compelled to remind you that only last week, December 4th, you ate lunch with a goth girl named Beth Crume (Level 2 Violation) and were seen at the mall with your mother on December 5th (Level 1 Violation).

 When you lose a total of ten points your status will be downgraded from Almost Unattainable to Curiously Cute.  We urge you – do not let this happen!  For your benefit we have included a list of traits gamers have, which can assist you in identifying and avoiding gamers in the future.

 1- Poorly Groomed  – Considers a lack of hair style…a hair style.  Warning, this may also indicate a slacker (Level 2 Violation).  Doesn’t realize he needs to shave.  Has too many moles and birthmarks.  Still thinks not caring about your appearance is cool.

 2- Corn Syrup and Caffeine – Gamers are often seen with a six pack of Mountain Dew and bagfuls of sour gummy worms.  The extra energy is not used to power them through a work out but to stay up until ridiculous hours of the morning.  As a potential girlfriend you will be expected to be supportive of this!

 3- Seen at Game Stop and other video game retailers – A true gamer’s habitat.  You do not want to explain to your fellow hot girls why you were seen at a video game retailer!  Remember, hot girls can play video games but always use a designated buyer.  Little brothers are perfect for this.

 4- Lack of Car- Proven Fact:  A gamer’s video game system is more valuable than their car almost 9 out of 10 times.  Even if the car looks satisfactory be prepared for nausea inducing stenches and a floor full of fast food containers.   

 5- Poor Job / Higher Education Prospects – “But hey, you should see my level 67 paladin!  It took a good 116 hours to create!  I can destroy a strato-dragon but I can’t change a flat tire.”  

 We urge you Miss Ashington, avoid Mr. Kringly and preserve your status as a proud, card carrying member of HOE.  You may one day reach the highest level of hot girl ambitions…trophy wife!

     Sincerely,   

                         Hotty Oversight Enterprise

Throw Out The Ab-Blaster!!

 Pull the fire alarm or drop a box of free chocolate donuts in the break room – whatever it takes to get everyone you know in the same room because DodoEggs.com has done it again!  Research and Development has produced another outstanding product to improve the quality of the common man’s life.  A lean waistline and rock solid abs are yours for the taking with Insta-Cold! 

 Insta-Cold tablets are highly concentrated cold viruses that go to work immediately filling your sinuses and naisal cavity with an all natural, body produced substance we’ve titled Mucasnot (copyright DodoEggs.com).  Now you can eat those rice cakes smothered in cottage cheese like they were danish pastries because you can’t taste a thing!  Muscasnot is EPA approved and biodegradable blocking any chance you have at tasting anything.  You could eat mothballs and not know the difference!  That’s a big help when you’re making tough choices for a snack. Insta-Cold makes cheesecake taste just like…well, nothing.  Temptation terminated! 

 Milk gone bad?  You won’t know the better when your skull becomes filled with all natural – certified organic Mucusnot!  All of the sudden, expiration dates don’t mean anything to you.  Eat with impunity! 
 
 Only now you can make all the right choices you’ve tried to convince yourself you could do on your own.  Don’t fool yourself, once you stare down that snack isle at the supper market it’s all over.  Insta-Cold makes chocolate become wax and Doritoes become just jagged little crackers. 

 At the same time your will to eat is being eroded, Insta-Cold goes right to work in BOTH lungs.  Besides laughter, there’s nothing better for the muscles of your abdominal wall and obliques than a good chest rattling cough.  All day at work, at home, even in the middle of the night you’ll find yourself blasting your abdomen!  How many times have you found yourself sitting at home trying to convince yourself to workout only to end up watching TV?  Now you can have your cake and not taste it too!  Between laughing along with the laugh track you’ll be sculpting you abdomen with back breaking coughs!  You won’t have a choice and that makes Insta-Cold the right choice!  (Any discharge from coughing is non-toxic, safe and common to usage of Insta-Cold.  Insta-Cold is also useful for early hernia detection.)

 Guys!  Imagine the looks you’ll get from the ladies when you walk in RIPPED.  Once she gets past the runny nose, she’ll be all over you!  Think about it…women marry smokers and smokeless tobacco users – what’s a little snot when you’re a Greek god!!

 Afraid of Insta-Cold’s wearing off and losing its effectiveness?  Don’t.  DodoEggs.com patented influenza virus (DODO-1) is guaranteed to quickly mutate to its DODO-2 form.  The next mutation gets right back to work keeping you eating right and blasting those abs twenty-four seven!

 Insta-Cold is sold with a license which means your whole family can make use of the benefits.  To order call our Manhattan sky rise anytime someone is working in customer service.  Due to unusually high employee absenteeism (due to sickness) you may need to call several times but keep trying…the new you is a sneeze away!

More Dodo Love

Recent polling has indicated that 10 out of 10 people have yet to read or even hear about The Dodo Bird’s Book of Love.  Our popularity remains consistent!  It’s a testament to timelessness of the work!  At DodoEggs.com we understand that more is learned from a failure than from a success.  Using this principle, we hired only men and women with at least three divorces as consultants for our book. 

DodoEggs.com – Where Excellence is a Possibility!

Here are some additional excerpts…

Love Intercedes –You cannot change your spouse – but here’s what you can do.  You can become a “wise farmer.”  A farmer cannot make a seed grow into a fruitful crop – even though that’s what a seed is supposed to do!  A farmer cannot argue, manipulate, or demand it to grow and bear “fruit.”  But the farmer can withhold sun if the plant doesn’t respond or slowly drip herbicide on it over time.  And if the plant (spouse) still won’t produce “fruit” suitable to your demands, turn it over to a lawyer who CAN change your spouse.”

Love is responsible- Love doesn’t pass the blame or justify selfish motives – which is why love is myth like winged horses and panda bears.  Before you can love anyone else you must learn to love yourself…ergo, true love is concerned with its own needs before dealing with another’s satisfaction.  Look, your needs are your NEEDS.  True love understands this.  When love forces you to take responsibility for your needs, it’s on behalf of your spouse.  This may be difficult for your spouse to understand so explain it often.”

Love is thoughtful- If you don’t learn to be thoughtful, then you’ll wind up like everyone else – and is that so bad?!  Thoughtfulness give you opportunities to demonstrate love however, you run a fifty five percent chance that your spouse won’t appropriately appreciate what you’ve done.  Fifty-five rounds up to one hundred percent so…  The best use for thoughtful behavior is to make up for your own stupid actions (if you’re dumb enough to admit fault) or to manipulate your spouse. 
Thoughtlessness is a silent enemy to a loving relationship but it’s really, really easy.  Further – a woman deeply longs for her husband to be thoughtful and/or find a million dollar bill in his dirty pants. Both are keys to helping her feel loved and quiet.”


Love is not irritable- Some people have the motto, ‘Never pass up an opportunity to leave your spouse with the kids.’  We do too.  Tee times, hunting seasons, and hair appointments are often not negotiable!  Spouses often fail to understand the finality of these events and so become irritable when they are left with the kids.  Are they not parents too?!  When schedules get tangled, quickly take full advantage of it by expressing how hurt or frustrated you are about it.  Then remind them that, ‘True love is not irritable.’  If they become aggressive remind them that this is the opposite reaction of love.”

Forum Question – Porn Stars

Today’s Question….Would you date and then marry a soft-core porn star?

Rob Mitchell from Riverside CA responds:  “Well, I live between Hollywood and Las Vegas so…”

Tim MacAdoo from Charleston SC blurbs:  “As long as the wedding guest list reads, Hugh Hefner and guest and guest and guest and guest and guest, and guest…”

Frank Tipmore from Lafayette LA says:  “Would she be just as hot on the inside?”

Ulysses Grantmore from Dickinson ND quips:  “Sure, I work at the North Dakota Center for the Blind so I could show them a picture of Miss Piggy and they wouldn’t know.  I’ve done stuff like that you know.”

Erik Henderson from Paradise FL admits:  “I just found out my current girlfriend shaves her chest hair so I’d have to say yes.”

Kent Konrads from Quebec mumbles: “I’m married, can I still respond?”

TeJuan Martinez from Arkadelphia AK blathers:  “Yes, as long as the grandkids don’t have access to the Internet.”

We’d like to thank these men for their replies as well as all the fifteen to eighteen year old boys who flooded our response center with over eager responses then asked for further information.

Fairy News!

Selected Excerpts from the New Pixie Review, October 30, 2009 – Issue 4, Volume 45, Spellbook #12

TOOTH FAIRY AGENT ARRESTED
Dateline- Wonderland, California- Tooth Fairy Inc. employee Alfred E. Twinkletoes was arrested Thursday on suspicion of he defrauded his company.  The allegations include a scheme to buy fake teeth from a local human girl.  Mr. Twinkletoes purchased the false teeth from under the girls’ pillow each night and paid top coin for each false tooth.  The human girl then split the cash with Mr. Twinkletoes. 

If convicted, Mr. Twinkletoes will have his wings pulled.  There is very little the Magic Kingdom Police Department can do to the human accomplice, however, her name has been moved to Santa’s Naughty List.

TOOTH EMANAL PRICES SPIKE AS DUST PRODUCTION SLOWS
Dateline- Spitsburg, California – With the increased consumption of candy among human children and the subsequent increase in cavity ridden teeth, the harvest of grade A tooth enamel has been drastically hit.  There seems to be no end in sight.

Compounding the jump in commodities prices is the stubborn constriction of pixie dust production.  Magic dust is produced from all pixies in the same way dandruff is given off by humans.  Since the advent of harsh, drying soaps in the 1950s, there have been no significant breakthroughs in increasing the “dandruff” of pixies and fairies.  Researchers now struggle to find a way to make our scalps more itchy and flaky.  Yet these same researchers worry that anything more abrasive in the shampoos that 97% of pixies already use would cause baldness. 
    
Yipkin Ringnut, an associate at the DustGiven Research Institute, says, “Look, being bald is only cute if you’re a baby.  Bald pixies and fairies confuse our customers.”

LOCAL GRADUATE STUDENT TRIES GROWING POTATOES IN HUMAN EARS
Dateline – Dumbknuckle, California – A graduate student at the California Institute of Mythology was sitting around the dorm one day when he was struck with a near genius idea. 

Eugene Opium is the student.  “Yea, so a few of my pals and I are, you know, just sitting around scratching up some pixie dust when it hits me.  Let’s plant some potatoes.  I don’t know…I just felt like potatoes but there wasn’t anyplace to plant them.  Then it came to me…human earwax might work!”

Indeed it did.  Production of pixie potatoes seems to skyrocket when planted in the terrible tasting muck that collects in the human ear.  Many tooth fairy agents find it convenient to pick or plant these potatoes while working their normal rounds. 

While the health effects of eating human grown potatoes are unclear, pixie farmers have had great success growing “ears” of corn in the brown wax.  Also of note, the sedimentary humans known as “couch potatoes” seem especially adept as a growth zone.

Fly Like A Dodo!

Today’s airline industry is swarmed with bad ideas and seemingly self-destructive business plans.  At DodoAir.com we ask, “If annoying travelers is all it takes to make an airline fly, can we not accomplish that?”  We most certainly can!  Come fly like a dodo!

The savvy traveler can now save money with our new third-class type of ticket holder…baggage class!  If you’re not claustrophobic but your wallet is, then this is your ticket!  Scoot in, tuck your legs, and watch those luggage handles!  Annually washed pillows are available upon request.

Did you know that a huge, multimillion dollar passenger plane has NO REVERSE?  That’s right!  Capable of flying half way across the globe at amazing speeds and dizzying altitudes but it can’t back out of a paper bag!  At DodoAir.com, passengers find a place in front of the plane to push it onto the runway before boarding.  No expensive and unnecessary crew and equipment!  We call that additional cost savings! 

To further make air travel so grossly convenient, we at DodoAir.com have instituted a schedule of fees.

1) If you fail to urinate or defecate before boarding the plane, you will be charged an Escheatment Transportation Fee or ETF.  This fee ranges from six hundred to seven hundred dollars.   
2) Peanuts are too expensive and increase the plane’s weight.  At DodoAir.com we now proudly serve Styrofoam peanuts.  (Available in your favorite color)
3) Passengers carrying a spare tire, junk-in-the-trunk, or both will be charged for an extra bag.
4) Instead of the prohibitive cost of soft drinks, air hostesses will now simply spray a refreshing, fruity aerosol in your face.  NO CHARGE!
5) Passengers with excess body hair cause undue drag on the progress of the airplane in flight.  If the captain awards you furry status, you will be charged.   Sorry no discount for baldness.

Come, experience the joy of cheap travel with DodoAir.com.  Fly like a Dodo!

Dodo-Love

Love is a magnificent concept.  It’s a shame there’s no Book of Love that spells out all you need to know.  It’s also a shame there isn’t a Love Potion that seals the deal.  That is until DodoEggs.com, your authoritative source for everything, cracked open the problem.

When the world class power of our custodial staff teamed up with corporate vice monitoring, both problems were quickly rendered mute.  A book, soon to be released by anyone we can sucker into publishing it, details all of love’s delicate gears.  We also have a tonic (not sure whether it’s the drinkable kind) that will bridge love’s pitfalls.

Here are a few excerpts from Dodo Bird’s Book of Love’s first few chapters…call it foreplay.

On loving you mate“When you look at your spouse, you’re looking at a part of you.  So treat her as you would treat yourself.  Feed her plenty of donuts and have her watch lots of football.”

On argument resolution – “The very moment one of you says, ‘I’m going to my Mom’s!’  The argument is over.

On love fighting fair- “Married couples who learn to work through conflict tend to be closer, more trusting, and more likely to grow weed in their basement.”

On argument resolution- “The wise and loving thing to do is to start approaching your disagreements with a willingness to not always insist on your own way.  Giving strong consideration to their preference is a good way of valuing them.  Then just do what you want to or live with disappointment.”

On love fighting fair- “Before a disagreement, make sure you:  listen first before speaking, deal with your own issues first, speak gently, and be polite when you ask for the last (years married) back.”

On and exciting relationship- “Two people who always share the same opinions and perspectives won’t have any balance or flavor to enhance the relationship.  Rather, invite an in-law to move in with you.”

On love fighting fair- “Love reminds you that your marriage is too valuable to allow it to self-destruct, unless they violate the prenuptial agreement.”

Of course, at DodoEggs.com we cannot reveal the entire secret recipe for Love Tonic but here are the first two in no particular order…

6 cups of Stetson Cologne for Men (undiluted)
1 gallon of chocolate syrup.

You could stop right there and have your choice of mates!  Thank you DodoEggs.com!!

Smothered Hooks!

DodoEggs.com, conveniently located in downtown Manhattan, has done it again!  Seemingly insulated by an urban tomb of concrete and glass, the innovative geniuses at DodoEggs.com expand their line of helpful products with the fisherman’s new best friend…The Smothered Hook!
 

Now you can purchase these hand crafted (machine assisted) surgical, stainless steel hooks with the bait already baked right on!!!  No more stopping at a bait shop for a bucket of useless, slimy night crawlers.  For crying out loud, how many times have the kids accidentally spilt those things all over the new Corinthian leather seats of your new Mercedes?  Countless!  Now you can buy hooks with the delicious night crawler morsels baked right on!  No muss, no fuss, no “ewww gross!” from the kids you’ve forced along!  (Why actually go fishing when there’s plenty of fishing video games you can play!?)  You can even get Smothered Hooks in four distinct flavors:  Grecian herb, Cajon spice, Sweet & Sour Crawler, and our latest…Barbeque!  The fish won’t be able to resist!

*****Warning: Not responsible for unsupervised children’s use of hooks – tests have shown older siblings to have a keen propensity to stick Smothered Hooks in with the bags of regular snacks as a joke.  Please keep in mind that every dollar of profit at DodoEggs.com immediately goes into a Swiss Bank account and our passports are always handy…we’re just saying.*****

Smothered Hooks have also taken the great leap into crickets and minnows!  Despise getting the squiggly things on the end of a hook?!  It’s not an issue!  Smothered Hooks freeze dry these delicious creatures to your hooks the same way your grandmother did!  Love the gooey centers?  After the drying process, our technicians at DodoEggs.com carefully fill each with our specially blended “Goo Guts” medley.  It’s a proprietary blend! 

What?  You want to know more about “Goo Guts?”  How’s this…tired of evil fish stealing the bait off your hook then swimming off?  Well, the Goo Guts medley contains a toxic substance that kills the perpetrating fish.  Just wait for them to float to the surface.  Never lose a fish again!

*****Warning: DodoEggs.com is not responsible if anyone ingests fish exposed to Goo Guts.  They will die…we’re not kidding.  This also seems like a good time to mention the passport thing.  The first hint of a lawsuit and we are gone.  You’ll never find us.  Oh yea, the EPA frowns upon Goo Guts being introduced to the food chain so any fish you catch using it must be dumped off at any of the convenient places you drop off old car batteries.*****

DodoEggs.com has done it again!

Lead Laced Tongue

Nothing casts so gracious a light upon a man’s brow as saying the right thing at the right time.  It’s the perfectly fitting piece to a jumbled puzzle of competing voices.  It makes your case and clads your point in stainless steel.

A shrewd man once quoted another by saying, “Borrowed wisdom is always better than the dung you were going to say.”

Scenario Number One: 

Your coworkers are discussing a difficult problem that has development of your new supercomputer at a complete standstill.  Groups of engineers are looking at the beta type and blue prints and saying something about reversing the polarity.  You have no idea what the problem is because you’ve been learning to juggle your collection of stress balls for the last three weeks.

Suddenly, they all turn to you and ask, “Bob, what do you think the problem is?”

Dynamic Quote:  It looks like there’s a little play in the mechanism.”

Further Application:  Use this handy phrase whenever anyone asks you to diagnose problems with cars, computers, home electronics, economic recovery plans, and recipes.  If they ask you to clarify, simply restate the quote, “I said, it looks like there’s a little PLAY in the MECHANISM.”

Scenario Number Two: 

A new supervisor has been hired for your department, restaurant, or school.  His first long oration revolves around finding the “right people for my new ideas.”  Everyone with three years of experience knows that means extra responsibilities with no extra pay.  If your job is secure, step into his office, look around a bit confused, and say…

Dynamic Quote:  “Wait, this isn’t the men’s bathroom!”

Further Application:  As long as it isn’t over used, this quote is laser sharp.  It also has value anytime you waltz into a meeting a bit late.  It amuses and deflects from the fact that you were running a bit late, but you’ve got to sell it.

Scenario Number Three: 

 One of your coworkers has a proposal that has “apocalyptic failure” written all over it.  You are asked your opinion.

Dynamic Quote:  “I’d rather teach roaches to do circus tricks on a street corner in Haiti.”

Further Application:  In recent tests, this verbiage has been found ineffective in relieving spouses of household chores.  Tests indicated subjects still had to take out the trash.  This quote is best left to shoot down suggestions from people who cannot physically harm you.

Scenario Number Four: 

The following quote is best kept under glass with emergency decals plastered across it.  It is guaranteed to bring any group conversation to a screeching halt.  You instantly become the center of attention and the previous subject of conversation is completely forgotten.

Dynamic Quote: Hey, guess who I saw picking his nose while he was driving to work?”

Further Application:  This quote adjusts well to any and all social situations but it must be used only in dire circumstances.