Substitute Teacher

Career Avalanche is the hardest working, most dynamic employment service in the industry!  We constantly scour the business world looking for the jobs that NO ONE else wants!  Now you – with no qualifications whatsoever – can find hundreds of cast-off jobs the click of a mouse!  Employment is easy when you’re not picky!  Each entry in Career Avalanche inundates the reader with valuable information concerning education, licenses, and potential contacts.  You can depend on the information you’ll find in Career Avalanche.

 Today’s fascinating career….Substitute Middle School Teacher.

Want to make a difference in the number of children you’ll have?  Strap yourself into that beat-up, swivel chair and hold on to that messy desk because you’re about to trade the mini-van back in!  Let’s hear from one potential leader in the substitute field…Marcus Rankfold.

 “Dear Career Avalanche,
 I’m a risk taker.  I always rise to the challenge – no matter whether I need to back out of it or not!  The military seemed nice until I found out the guns were real.  REAL BULLETS, ARE YOU SERIOUS!?  Then I thought about being a police officer but criminals can weigh over 180 lbs.!  Look…a lot of things don’t scare me, so I want a job with challenge!”

Pursuing a pint-sized challenge?  Well, welcome to middle school substitution Marcus!  Every hour a bell will ring initiating your next opportunity for a demeaning exchange with children who don’t respect you.  You can huff and puff but these little piggies know that’s all you’re allowed to do! 

Just wait until you’re asked questions about the capitals in South America or the directions to some project you know nothing about.  They’ll have you feeling stupid in no time.  Don’t cave in!  Just reach for the teacher’s edition and pass it around the room.  Now you’re looking smart!

Here are some further tips for dealing with the uncivilized…

Tip #1 – Threatening to “take their name” may not be the best method.  This tactic admits to the students that you indeed have no real power to correct them and that you are deferring to a teacher who is not there.  (“PLEASE NO!  Mr. Rankfold!  My mother won’t know who I am if you take my name!  Oh, mercy!”)

Tip #2-  Find inflatable muscles and an oversized shirt.  Wear them. 

Tip #3- The answer to 99% of questions is always…No.  Stress that whining only adds extra Os.  (“I said, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.”)

Tip #4  – Before the school day, make an arrangement with the assistant principal to send one kid to the office at the beginning of each class.  It doesn’t matter what the offence is.  (“Gum stuck on the bottom of your shoe!?  GUM ISN’T ALLOWED!  Go to the office!”) 

In Summation…
Job: Middle School Substitute Teacher
Average Salary: School districts vary – scour the teachers desk for change or resale items.
Required Education:  Graduate from any middle school. 
Required Certifications & Licenses: Anger Management / Pigmy Linguistics
Average Length of Career:  Well as long as people keep breeding…

Bull Rider

 Career Avalanche is a handy service provided by DodoEggs.com’s experts to assist you in selecting and exceeding in the career of your choice.  Each entry in Career Avalanche inundates the reader with valuable information concerning education, licenses, and potential contacts.  You can depend on the information you’ll find in Career Avalanche.

 Today’s fascinating career….Professional Bull Rider.

 There’s no mystery why so many young men and women are flocking to this enticing field!  Let’s hear from one eager future professional bull rider…Tommy Felixson.

 “Dear Career Avalanche,

 Hi, how are you?  I am fine.  My name is Tommy Felixson and I would like to be a professional bull rider when I decide to move out of my parents place.  I’ve purchased a pair of boots, tight jeans, and a ten liter hat from some European guy on Ebay.  I’m ready to start riding professionally but I can’t seem to locate a good place to buy a bull.  Where will I find a lot of bull?”

 Right here Tommy!  It sounds like you’re on the right track.  They won’t let you ride a bull wearing baggy jeans and an over sized sweatshirt.  (One of our staff members, Eugene, tried riding a bull wearing baggy jeans.  After he was bucked, the pants fell to his ankles and he was trampled – but don’t worry he stocked the jelly bean bowl on his desk just before he left!  He’s gone but not forgotten!)  Keep wearing those tight jeans and boots!

 Next, check to see if you have a right arm.  Does it work properly?  A simple test developed by Career Avalanche should help you find out.  Start a car.  Then grab the tail pipe (Careful!  It may be hot!  Remember, Safety First!)  Have a friend slam on the gas.  If you manage to hold on a block or more, you’ve got what it takes!  You have (had) a functioning arm!

 Professional Bull Riding can be a bit technical for the uninitiated.  We’ll try to break it down. 

Step One:  Several men with sadistic sesnes of humor will strap you to the back of an angry bull.  You may hear them snicker or say things like, “This never gets old.” or “Happy trails, sucker.”  Ignore them – they ride goats. 

Step Two:  A gate will open and you may find yourself a bit disorientated like you are caught riding a pogo stick during an earthquake.  Relax, this is normal.

Step Three:  Hold the #$%%@ on!

Step Four:    At some point, you may come in contact with the ground.  Relax, this is normal.  Please locate an emergency exit found anyplace you can get your butt over. 

 The contributions you’ll make to society as a Professional Bull Rider will allow you to sleep soundly at night.  You’ve created purpose and meaning to hundreds of listless bulls who would otherwise be forced to lay around all day eating and checking out the heifers.  What a grind!  Speaking off that…you help delay these bulls being turned into Grade D Edible or Grade F Taco Bell meat!  The inability to use your arm when you’re older is well worth it!

In Summation…
Job: Professional Bull Rider
Average Salary: Varies with whatever the bull is willing to pay.
Required Education:  Actually, the less you know, the better.
Required Certifications & Licenses: Bovine Biology Certificate (Horn Emphasis)
Average Length of Career:  Four to seven seasons.  Those born with three or more arms have longer careers.