Before I begin I’d like to take full responsibility for the latest crate of corporate letterhead. You can quit emailing me! I know I mixed up the second D in DodoEggs.com and now the top of each sheet boldly proclaims….DoboEggs.com – The Bohemian Blog. No one said anything about the new motto but EVERYONE commented on the simple typo. Look, I’ve blamed the whole thing on Eugene and demoted him back to private. My secretary is currently taking white out to all 256,000 sheets of letterhead so until she’s done…avoid writing any memos.
Ok, where was I? Oh yea, the new corporate gymnasium in the basement.
Many of you on the first three floors have been experiencing foul odors throughout the day. I’ve also heard concerns about loud moaning, cursing, and heavy metal music. Rest assured…this is not another New Age management technique. I also want to dispel the rumor that it’s some sort of unproductive employee torture chamber. If that was the case, I’d need a whole lot more office space than just the basement!
No, no…the torture chamber is the employee lounge on the twelfth floor. I’ve got the TVs permanently set to music videos from the early eighties, granola bar stocked vending machines, and informative laminated posters listing employee benefits.
I visited about seventeen garage sales this weekend. I got a great deal on a bow-flex, 2 solo-flexes, a used smoothie machine (that I didn’t bother cleaning), six butt-busters (injuries incurred on the butt-buster are NOT covered by the health plan), a treadmill that works if you jiggle the power cord just right, and an ENTIRE set of sand filled plastic weights! The weights come in four fantastic colors to motivate you.
Note: Eugene update the benefits posters in the employee lounge.
If you are lifting properly, screaming and yelling is not allowed. As is standard gym etiquette, you may yell out and drop the 80 pound dumbbells only if you are using too much weight or are lifting improperly.
When discussing how much weight you can move, feel free to add the “Theoretical Good Day Bonus.” This isn’t really lying. It’s where you boast about how strong you are by telling people a weight you might be able to move. As a rule of thumb, it’s twenty pounds on the bench and forty pounds for any leg exercise. Also deduct fifty pounds off anyone who uses a machine. This means that if Eugene tells you he can bench 250 pounds this is what it means…
250 – 20 (Bragging) – 50 (Bo-flex Machine) – 50 (Screaming/Improper Form) – 30 (Dork Penalty) = 100 MAX
While I’m thinking about it, here are a few other items you should know before using the gym. I’ve stretched aluminum foil over all the walls (shiny side out) instead of mirrors. You probably won’t even notice. My brother, the CEO of ChickenPoop.com, gave me his old stereo from college. The volume is broke and so is the tuner. Fortunately it’s stuck on the heavy metal station and the volume is blasting. And lastly, there are no showers. Strenuous use of showers has not been proven to increase muscle mass so you don’t need them.
Enjoy the Gym…
ChiefDodo (Your CEO)