Corporate Perspective for 2010

 
Dear Diary,

It’s Chief Dodo here, of course. 

Another year has escaped and DodoEggs.com is still lagging behind CoolPolyester.com in Internet traffic.  (The problem may be me.  I wear a lot of polyester and CoolPolyester.com’s prices are unbeatable.)  Our stupid sponsors don’t seem to notice.  Like last year, I had Eugene come up with a few false reports and goofy charts then we sent along a few free pens and an entire box of PEZ candy.  Now that’s leadership.

There are other changes I’d like to make so I’ve crafted a list of New Year’s resolutions.  I’m going to be successful in keeping them because I’ve promised myself I’d cut off a finger for each one I didn’t keep.  That would make it difficult to do my favorite thing…craft new corporate policies!

1) Develop banana juice.  (We could sell this.)


2) Turn down at least three doughnuts this year.  (One in March, September, and uh…To Be Announced)
3) Enjoy life…eat more ice cream. 
4) Explore alternative pen colors…green, purple, infrared.
5) Find a long lost, estranged friend and bury the hatchet…in their back.
6) Buy software that will teach me how to crochet, to speak Finnish, and to ice sculpt.
7) Scientifically prove no two snowflakes are alike.
8) Rearrange my calendar to create more Saturdays.
9) Keep all my teeth.
10) Avoid soft drinks…and hard ones.

 

 

 

That’s ten – one for each of my fingers.  This is such a good idea I may make it mandatory for all my employees.  How does Four-Finger Fridays sound to you?

~Chief Dodo

Staff Memo – Coorporate Communications

DodoEggs.com!
Where communication is the key to finding out what’s happening after work.
Where talk is cheap and dialogue is on sale.
Where the water coolers are wired
.

Hello employees of the most professional novelty & curio company in the continental United States and parts of California!  There is a pressing issue, which, as your leader, I must address.  It involves the ever pressing needs for paradox in an ever-pressing world.  It cannot be ignored any further and someone needs to blow the blow horn on it.

Eugene came into my office this morning and he began telling me a story about finally finding a urologist that was competent, congenial, and had kept his hands warm.  (For those of you in our Manhattan skyscraper who don’t already know  Well, never mind.  Eugene wanted me to keep it a secret so I cant tell you – I wouldn’t shake hands with him though.)  Despite my efforts to drop obvious hints, the guy would not leave the room.  I had a timed game of Solitaire on my computer and had just poured a bowl of Cheerios!  These things are time sensitive!

I quit making eye contact.  I started humming show tunes.  I periodically said, “Yea” in the middle of one of his sentences.  I turned partially away.  Nothing worked!

Starting immediately Policy Number #2333 is in effect.  If a fellow professional blurts out “Yabba, dabba, doo” during a conversation, the other professional is required to shut up.  Hard feelings are not allowed under this policy. 

NOTE:  There are important exceptions.  No “Yabba, dabba, doing” during staff meetings!  I know this is the first thing that went through your heads!  And if you try Policy #2333 on me I’ll open my wallet and begin showing you pictures of my family.  I dare you to try me, sucka!

As always folks professionalism is key to profitability!
Chief Dodo

Text This

Dear DodoEggs.com Staff:

The city of Taxweed, Tennessee has recently issued the following memo to all of their city department heads.  I enjoyed it so much that I’ve decided to make it the policy here at our Manhattan headquarters as well.  NOTE:  This is an actual memo that I pulled from a recycling bin.

Make sure your employees are aware that, effective July 1, 2009, it is a violation for any person serving the city in any official duty to transmit or to receive a text message on a hand-held mobile telephone or hand-held personal digital device while driving a motor vehicle on a public road. This prohibition does not apply to persons reading or entering a telephone number for the purpose of making or receiving a telephone call.  It also does not affect police officers or firefighters “when in the actual discharge of their official duties”

The new law is Chapter 201 of the Public Acts of 2009.  It imposes a fine not to exceed $50.00 and court costs not to exceed $10.00 for the misdemeanor; it will be considered a non-moving traffic violation.

City employees are expected to comply with applicable state laws when in City vehicles or on duty or on City premises. 

Ok that is good…a rule that cannot be effectively enforced is perfect for our corporate culture here at DodoEggs.com!  We love crafting regulations that will be patently ignored…it’s good for our egos.  Here’s our version.

Hereunto…All employees that work at DodoEggs.com are prohibited from texting in any language other than the Queen’s English effective whenever I catch you doing it.  Should it be found that you LOLed anyone or finished a fiery dissertation with IMO you will be subjected to acronym sensitivity training by our Director of Misinformation…Eugene.  OMG! 

Certain areas of the building have been marked off with pylons and yellow tape as free text areas.  These include the boy’s bathroom but not the female’s.  Ten feet to the west of any water cooler and five feet to the east are available for sloppy communications.  Also…Fridays, yea, Fridays are ok because no one is doing anything anyway.  We may extend this texting free time zone into Thursday afternoon if unproductively continues.   

Remember folks, it’s all about being a professional and that includes practicing our communication skills whether it’s a text, memo, or finished document.  Offenders of this policy are subjected to a polygraphed game of Truth or Dare with Ursula (more commonly known as the office skank). 

Staff Memo – Corporate Gym

Before I begin I’d like to take full responsibility for the latest crate of corporate letterhead.  You can quit emailing me!  I know I mixed up the second D in DodoEggs.com and now the top of each sheet boldly proclaims….DoboEggs.com – The Bohemian Blog.  No one said anything about the new motto but EVERYONE commented on the simple typo.  Look, I’ve blamed the whole thing on Eugene and demoted him back to private.  My secretary is currently taking white out to all 256,000 sheets of letterhead so until she’s done…avoid writing any memos.

Ok, where was I?  Oh yea, the new corporate gymnasium in the basement. 

Many of you on the first three floors have been experiencing foul odors throughout the day.  I’ve also heard concerns about loud moaning, cursing, and heavy metal music.  Rest assured…this is not another New Age management technique.  I also want to dispel the rumor that it’s some sort of unproductive employee torture chamber.  If that was the case, I’d need a whole lot more office space than just the basement! 

No, no…the torture chamber is the employee lounge on the twelfth floor.  I’ve got the TVs permanently set to music videos from the early eighties, granola bar stocked vending machines, and informative laminated posters listing employee benefits. 

I visited about seventeen garage sales this weekend.  I got a great deal on a bow-flex, 2 solo-flexes, a used smoothie machine (that I didn’t bother cleaning), six butt-busters (injuries incurred on the butt-buster are NOT covered by the health plan), a treadmill that works if you jiggle the power cord just right, and an ENTIRE set of sand filled plastic weights!  The weights come in four fantastic colors to motivate you.

Note:  Eugene update the benefits posters in the employee lounge.

If you are lifting properly, screaming and yelling is not allowed.  As is standard gym etiquette, you may yell out and drop the 80 pound dumbbells only if you are using too much weight or are lifting improperly. 

When discussing how much weight you can move, feel free to add the “Theoretical Good Day Bonus.”  This isn’t really lying.  It’s where you boast about how strong you are by telling people a weight you might be able to move.  As a rule of thumb, it’s twenty pounds on the bench and forty pounds for any leg exercise.  Also deduct fifty pounds off anyone who uses a machine.  This means that if Eugene tells you he can bench 250 pounds this is what it means…

250 – 20 (Bragging) – 50 (Bo-flex Machine) – 50 (Screaming/Improper Form) – 30 (Dork Penalty) = 100 MAX

While I’m thinking about it, here are a few other items you should know before using the gym.  I’ve stretched aluminum foil over all the walls (shiny side out) instead of mirrors.  You probably won’t even notice.  My brother, the CEO of ChickenPoop.com, gave me his old stereo from college.  The volume is broke and so is the tuner.  Fortunately it’s stuck on the heavy metal station and the volume is blasting.  And lastly, there are no showers.  Strenuous use of showers has not been proven to increase muscle mass so you don’t need them. 

Enjoy the Gym…
ChiefDodo (Your CEO)

The Question Box

From – The Desk Of ChiefDodo
To – Any Employee That’s Still Listening.

Imitative thinking is the backbone of everything we do here at DodoEggs.com.  We’re always researching the very latest in blog technology and incorporating it faster than you can type, “C-u-t and P-a-s-t-e.” 

Spell checked content?  We were four hundred thirty first!  Absorption of royalty free clip-art?  We’re still counting but we’re somewhere in the six hundreds! 

In the word’s of our mortal founder, “Imitation may be the sincerest form of flattery – it’s also our only chance at survival.”

To further our company’s near cutting edge innovations, I mounted a Question Box right next to our Suggestion Box.  Some of you have noted the QB’s striking similarities to an old birdhouse.  This is coincidental and any bad smells are a natural byproduct of the speckled black and white paint I used.

The following are questions offered by your fellow employees and answered by your boss.  We only had two this month.

Question #1- “Dear Boss, I was in the toy department with my three year old son yesterday and I saw a battery operated, toy leaf blower.  When I pushed the test button, it made an annoying noise and some colored plastic beads spun.  It didn’t actually blow of course but it did suck.  Why would people buy their kids such a toy and why would a parent purchase one?”

Response from Chief Dodo:  I understand your confusion.  Batteries to replace, obnoxious noise, and a keen lack of imagination are all reasons to scratch your head.  I can just see a proud father thinking to himself, “Son, maybe the chemistry set or building blocks are a little too advanced for you.   Here, try this toy leaf blower.  Careful!  You point the other end at the ground!”

But hey, if they sell then the toy company is doing better than we are…am I right?

Question #2 –  “Dear Chief Dodo, what is the difference between a piece of chocolate cake and a chocolate muffin?  I’m also struggling with the difference between French fries and hash browns other than the cosmetic.  Can you help?”

Response from Chief Dodo:  Wooaa, hold on!  Two-fers can be a little tricky! 

Here’s the difference between a muffin and cake of roughly similar tastes…cooking muffins in single sized portions helps isolate and shrink carboteins.  As you know, carboteins are the primary hormones that your body uses to activate the guilt gland.  The common cylinder shape of the muffin also helps breakdown these dangerous hormones.  By deactivating the guilt gland you lower calorie viscosity and that is a good thing.  I think so anyway.  Heck, they taste better than a bowl of bran flakes.

And I forgot your other question.  Oh well.
       Sincerely, your boss

       Chief Dodo  

Staff Memo – Employee Manual

DODOEGGS.COM

Proud Employer for the Witness Relocation Program

Sponsor of Whimpleberry High School’s JV Chess Team

Lead Developer of D-U-Why Non-Alcoholic Whiskey

From the Desk of ChiefDodo-

Recently, several of our concerned employees have inquired about a written policy for professional behavior and a resource for addressing concerns.  I immediately scheduled a meeting for 6:00 Am Saturday morning.  Those emp0lyees that showed up were greeted by my secretary (I was in bed).  They were served beagles, rhubarb cream cheese, and a half bag of stale Bugles that I just couldn’t finish Friday afternoon.  Ursula handed out binders covered with faux Corinthian leather and inside were 600 pages that all said, “YOU’RE UNEMPLOYED, GO HOME AND WATC H CARTOONS.”

Such ignorance is not acceptable here at the cooperate headquarters.  As I like to say “True professionals approach their profession like pros.”  (I’m refering to athletes here. )

Here’s what I don’t get…If there aren’t any rules regarding something, why make them up!?  Do I have to put, “Make sure your pants are pulled up after leaving the bathroom” in writing or do you already have that down?

Fine, here’s a quick look at the DodoEggs.com Employee Pamphlet.

*Office romances are strictly encouraged.  I makes the work environment a whole lot more fun.  (As soon as I hire a female.  They walk by our offices all the time because I’m watching them!!  When one applies, I tell them that it will be just like the Smurfs.  She’ll be Smurfette!  She will have her choice of all the geeks!  This hasn ‘t worked out yet.)

*In the lunchroom, no one is allowed to make microwave able caramel corn.  Chemistry has nothing capable of taking the lumps of burnt kernels off the inside walls.

*All padded office chairs are stuffed with potpourri to help control unauthorized flatulaence.  Some workers (Eugene) mistakenly believe the shallow walls of thier cubical fence in such malodors.  They are wrong.  And I dont’ want to hear anything about the chairs stuffed with Evergreen Fresh.  Pine cones will not kill you!

Stockholder’s Statement – 2008

DodoEggs.com’s Annual Financial Report
Summary for Year Ending 2008

Dear Shareholders,

Before we discuss the stock dividends this year, I’d personally like to apologize for the way our stockholder Christmas party ended this year. Yes, our executives know the difference between Milk of Magnesia and eggnog! (A pimply faced kid at the grocery store told Eugene that Milk of Magnesia is what Canadians call eggnog. Darn Canadians!) I swear next year we will solve the problem by having three port-a-potties in each hall.

I’m also sorry about the live music. I booked the party a little late and “Fecal Stain” was the only band left available. I was hoping they were a rhythm and blues group. Apparently they were not. At least we all learned a few new uses for the word %&^*^%^.

Now on to the %&^*^%^ numbers.

Sincerely, ChiefDodo

Income:

Advertising Revenue – We’ve had several prominent sponsors pull out. Iranian Tourism Commission rescinded their interest after we quit allowing them to use our server to mass email bomb threats. Then our deal with WhatYouWillLookLikeOld.com, a neat website that ages pictures you want to submit, went dead.

Income = Roughly Nothing.

Expenses:

Employee Compensation – Due our industry leading turnover rate, we’ve been able to almost eliminate pension payments and management for retirement funds! This doesn’t happen without a fully funded CEO.

Expenditures = A whole lot. (But it could be more.)

Office Supplies – Employees drive their own cars to work and employees work in their own clothes. This is nothing unusual and at DodoEggs.com it isn’t unusual to bring your own pen and makeshift cubical walls.

Expenditures = $6.32

Lease on the Manhattan high rise- The check I wrote bounced so technically…

Expenditures = $0.00

Advertising – I told all my relatives that winning lottery numbers were secretly imbedded into each and every post. Now my out-of-work cousin checks every couple of minutes. In a stroke of genius, I also made use of our association with the dodo bird so I took out full-page ad in Audubon Digest.

Expenditures = $54.49

Operating Expenses – This is where I dumped all the rest of the costs including the Christmas party. (You’re welcome!) Since I’ve dumped Morse code for texting, I haven’t had a lot of time for oversight. (My BFF said being stingy was d-u-m.) Now I just leave this account open for any employee. Corruption and abuse beat our projections!

Expenditures = Honestly I’m afraid to look… probably around a $100 dollars.

If you’re running the numbers on your abacas at home, you’ve already discovered that there won’t be any dividends on your stocks this year. Oh yea, we’re also running out of paper so this will also serve as your official Christmas 2009 Stockholder’s Party invitation as well. Please RSVP before December 10th.

Staff Memo – Coorporate Dental Policy

DodoEggs.com in Downtown Manhattan Since It Was Founded
Where the Bottom Line is more of a Loop-De-Loop
And when Nature Calls, We’re First to Respond

Dear Employees,

Over the past six weeks several employees have expressed concerns over the dental package that was included along with our company’s health plan. Obviously these people are anti-teeth. Well, their complaints have finally chipped my enamel and stuck a nerve!

To begin with, the anti-teeth group wanted greater choices in their dental provider. What a ridiculous complaint! We already have a guy who almost graduated with a degree in urology on staff. For your information, a degree to practice dentistry takes six years and urology takes eight! Well, our in house dentist was in school for nearly a decade!

You all know Eugene. He’s the guy who got too inebriated at the Flag Day party and, well, you remember. Well, it’s his second cousin Oliff. Oliff is big on rinsing the oral cavity with alcohol to kill harmful bacteria. Specifically he specializes in vodka. You don’t spit this mouthwash you swallow. No waste and alcohol prevents scurvy!

Then there are the bi-monthly visits from Dr. Brushgood. In case you’ve forgotten, that’s the guy in the foam toothbrush suit that sometimes wanders past your cubical and pelts you with FREE unpackaged toothbrushes and tubes of toothpaste! And if we can find it in the budget, he’ll soon be throwing steel dental instruments at you was well. That’s FREE preventative care!

We’ve also convinced our office supply manager switch to non-toxic white out. While you’re making corrections to a legal form, take a second to dab that little brush over any problem areas you might have. This product (once it solidifies, please keep your mouth open until it dries, try fanning it with your hand) will seal cracks and fill in chips. Try to find that in any other plan!

Preventative care is also available! DodoEggs.com will pay exactly 50% of the cost of needed braces as long as you A) provide documentation from the dentist B) several photos of you or family member smiling with their braces after eating spinach C) equip them with miniature lights for Christmas.

For those that wish to opt out of the DodoEggs.com plan, we now offer a plan that guarantees the best possible care! Statistics show that people in Nebraska have the best teeth overall in the entire United States. Join the Frequent Fillings plan and we will pay exactly 96% of all preventive care and 99% of corrective care for any dentist in Nebraska.

Sincerely, your grand vizier
Chief Dodo

DodoEggs.com

The Drunken Scribe 2000

From:
The Corporate Offices of Chronic Copier Inc.
54321 KaBoom Street
Esss OL, $%!&*

To:
Chief Dodo

Tight Wad Office Manager
DodoEggs.com Industries
Manhattan NY, 10004

We at Chronic Copier would like to thank you for recent purchase of our latest, convenience-riddled copier, the Drunken Scribe 2000.  At Chronic Copier, we always provide our customers with our No-Fault guarantee!  If the copier breaks, it’s not our fault and that’s twenty-four hours a day seven days a week! 

In addition to that generous policy, we also offer a free, introductory enrollment into Project DoOver.  When you enroll, we promise to use a small portion of your purchasing dollars to fixing the DS 2000’s inherent design flaws.  These are built RIGHT IN to all our products so that the frequency of service calls with allow your secretary and our service provides to develop a stronger professional relationship!  This is a good thing and can be listed in italics on any year-end report.  (Sorry, at this time we are experiencing abnormally high professional dialogue.)

Also remember if you choose to participate in Project DoOver the DS 2000’s promised savings in paper and ink may not be met, as your employees will be able to make their copies with a reckless amount of ease.  Business studies have shown that the DS 2000’s specific design flaws MAXIMISE the savings from endless, useless copies.  If you allow the DS 2000 to function on its own, it will keep your bottom line from bending under the weight of excess paper and ink!

We offer other features completely unique to the Drunken Scribe 2000!  Instead of a paper tray for bothersome legal sized paper, the DS2000 offers a three speaker sound system programmed to play soothing melodies to calm your employees.  This is especially helpful whenever the dreaded error code B129 flashes on the display panel.  (See your three-inch thick owners manual for more information.  We now offer all owners’ manuals in Swahili!)

At Chronic Copier, we didn’t stop there.  The cumbersome paper trays have been removed to allow space for our latest convenience…the change maker.  Now your employees can easily find change for the nearby vending machine while contemplating the wonders of error code G 732! 

We at Chronic Copier would again like to thank your cooperation for purchasing the Drunken Scribe 2000.  We hope you are as happy with it as we were to get rid of that piece of &@#.

Eugene’s Diary

Dear Diary,

How are you?  It’s me Eugene.  My latest submission to DodoEggs.com,  “Itchy Lips- The Hidden Plague” just bombed.  ChiefDodo said advertising revenue dipped almost 60% in just one day.  That’s almost 6.4 million game tokens at Chuck UP Cheese!  ChiefDodo is normally really upset about these sorts of “oopsies” but he had recently sold off all his stock options and bought heavily in ChickenPoop.com.  What a smart guy!

My supervisor, Richard “Don’t Call Me Dick” Short, knew I was down about my results and dropped by office.  He had his Self-Esteem Box with him.  I love the Self-Esteem Box!     

Oh, you don’t know what that is do you Diary?  Ok, it’s an old shoebox with a whole bunch of executive titles in it.  If you’ve done something really remarkable, you can draw from the box and whatever is on the card is added to your title!  Isn’t that great!  You even get new business cards!    

Just to make it interesting, Richard has tossed in some names with negative connotations.  He like to say it makes the box more interesting.  He told me that there were fifty positive title enhancers for every negative one.  Well, wouldn’t you know it!  I’ve pulled four times and have somehow gotten the same thing three times!  Dick says if I pull from the Self-Esteem Box I’ve got to keep what I pull. 

As of today, my new title at DodoEggs.com is Hazard Executive of Hazardous Hazards.  It doesn’t really roll off the tongue like I think it should.  Nuts!

In more interesting news, my office in DodoEggs.com’s office high-rise allows a nice view of Central Park.  I’ve set up a telescope and I watch for crimes during my lunch break and for about ten minutes after work.  I’ve got my phone with thumb set to speed dial 911.  I’ve even given myself a superhero name.  Do you like Sight Man With The Earth Rending Power Of Vision?  Me too. 

Unfortunately the police don’t.  I’ve accidentally hit the button a couple of times and when I tell them it’s just Sight Man With The Earth Rending Power Of Vision they don’t seem to get it.  Maybe I should put it on my business card.

Also, I still like Verna.  I know she’ll like me once her face heals.

P.P.S  I hate my boss ChiefDodo.  He is stupid.  He keeps taking all my jellybeans!  I’ve started tossing in a mothball or two into the bowl but he doesn’t seem to notice. 

Yours truly,
 Eugene